This week has been challenging on many levels and I found myself having to reflect on how things impact me. I am someone who cares about others, and I am a softy. I do not want to change that about me, but I am trying to learn how to cope better especially with situations that do not directly impact me. I suppose that is where my bubble comes from, and when things get tough, I will go in my metaphorical bubble to protect myself.
I have allowed myself to feel emotions this week, but I have tried not to let them run away with themselves, instead trying my hardest to distract myself and keep busy.
I found out that someone’s mother had died and so despite feeling as if I couldn’t go and pay my respects in case I ended up crying, I busied myself making homemade lemon scones to take to her and my daughter helped pick some flowers.
Everyone on my college course appeared to be struggling with the presentations that we knew were coming up and I struggled to read all their messages with people saying they had lost all their confidence, that they were close to a break down etc, and I felt helpless. So, I decided to bake everyone some buns as a way of showing that I cared.
I really could have done with the amazing support of my counsellor this week, but she was having some much-needed time off …I know, how dare she?! She had said that I could get in touch if I needed her which means a lot, but I wasn’t going to do that as I didn’t want to disturb her. So, I dug deep and tried to support myself as best I could.
I found myself dealing with a mixture of internal anger, frustration, and sadness due to events of this week, but I did not let this stop me from celebrating my Mums birthday, having a kitchen full of homemade baked goodies, and standing in front of my peers to deliver my presentation.
I am proud of myself for doing my presentation, not only standing in front of everyone and speaking for 10 whole minutes (which as I said to my group, was probably as much as I had spoken up in the entire year – this made them laugh!) but also that I shared very personal information with them about myself. This is a big deal for me as I am normally very reserved, but I felt safe to share and wasn’t afraid of being judged. I was humbled by everyone’s support not only for myself but for everyone else in the group and we learned a lot about one another.
I wouldn’t say that I am now a fan of speaking in front of others, but I know I can do it which is a massive achievement for me.
One thing that I am still struggling with this week is a feeling of sadness due to something that I am not ready to talk about just yet. I think the sadness has also been exacerbated by a feeling of frustration. I learned about a young man who I have known since he was 2 who has been treated unjustly and has reminded me of how much the law is an ass. To top it off I did something I know is almost like a form of self-harm by googling his name and my goodness the tabloids (definitely NOT a fan of tabloids) ripped him to shreds and made him out to be horrendous. I was livid. How dare they?! The damage that those so-called journalists have done to him, his friends and family, is heinous! Reading their articles could have tipped him over the edge…who would be responsible then?! I am appalled that these ‘journalists’ are allowed to write such rubbish, without a care in the world. I do not know how they sleep at night. It makes my blood boil.
It has reaffirmed more than ever, my desire to work with young people and has highlighted again the need for more support when it comes to mental health particularly with young people especially boys/men.
As part of my Mum’s birthday celebrations, we went to the beach and enjoyed a paddle in the North Sea (now that is rare as it is normally rather cold!) and I allowed myself to close my eyes and feel the sun on my face and breathed in the sea air which always makes me feel calmer.