There have been plenty of times over the past couple of years where I wasn’t sure how I would function, let alone begin to discover who I am and start to live my life.
It is very easy to become absorbed by negative situations and all that comes with it, anyone who has ever suffered with mental health will know that you can feel as though you are drowning, or walking through treacle, where nothing seems possible, and you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I had many occasions where I hoped I would wake up and find everything I was going through was just a bad dream or that someone would wave a magic wand and make everything better.
Although I am incredibly lucky to have such an amazing mum and wonderful friends, the best thing without a doubt, was finding a truly remarkable counsellor, who has definitely changed my life for the better. Not only has she been there for me throughout everything I have been through, but she has also helped me see things in a different light. It’s almost as though I am able to put on a pair of glasses which changes my perspective.
Don’t get me wrong, it certainly isn’t always easy, and I still have days when I could easily get upset or feel sorry for myself, when I get flashbacks or think about the really awful times. It can feel as though there is a battle going on inside my head and I have to fight to not let the bad duck win. However, there are more and more occasions when I do feel stronger, and I can now put a cover over bad duck (like you do with budgies at night-time to stop them tweeting) and let unicorn duck come out to play!
So, if I hadn’t been in an abusive relationship, I wouldn’t have moved back to my home town, had the opportunity to live without a partner, rekindle my relationship with my Mum and best friend (as I hadn’t been allowed to see them), I also would not have been able to rediscover myself, train to be a counsellor or have done any of the other amazing things that I have experienced over the past couple of years.
I wouldn’t go so far as to say I am grateful for having been through the abusive relationship, but I am incredibly grateful to be able to see things from a different perspective. Rather than focusing on the negative I have been able to realise that some amazing things have come out of it, I have been lucky to have had some great opportunities and my life has certainly taken a different direction.
If it wasn’t for my past experiences and had I not met my counsellor, I wouldn’t be where I am today.
I never imagined that life could be good again, yet here I am, close to embarking on my journey to be a qualified counsellor, making plans for the future, feeling stronger and more confident than I think I have ever felt in my life, (although I still have a way to go before I can feel comfortable talking in public or being a true social animal!), and fingers crossed there are exciting times ahead.
It feels almost as if I have been given wings, just by learning how to see things in a different light…rather than seeing things as half empty, seeing things as half full.
I know that it will take time for this to become a more natural way of thinking, but it is a much happier way of being, and I am actually excited about the future. I am sat here smiling, (with a tear of happiness), as I am so grateful and as much as it is hard for me to say, (although easier to type it than say it out loud) …I am quite proud of myself. I guess I am starting to believe that I am strong, determined and that I can do anything and be anyone I want.