So, in the past few months I have noticed that I am most definitely coming out of my shell…there’s still a way to go but it is nice to notice the difference in myself.
I spent years being a mouse…very quiet, not socialising, being a ‘Yes’ person ALL the time, putting others first ALL the time, not considering myself at ALL, I was very reserved, avoiding lots of situations and being almost invisible to others as well as myself.
However, this started to change a while ago through counselling and since I started training to be a counsellor, but I have seen the change in myself more recently and I like it.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not the most social animal, I still get nervous about things, and I wouldn’t class myself as particularly outgoing but there are signs that I am starting to become more sociable and outgoing.
I ALWAYS avoided making phone calls, never answered my phone and would get myself worked up at the thought of having to ring someone and where possible I wouldn’t, or I would try and get someone else to do it for me. However, recently I have found myself choosing to make phone calls rather than avoid them. For example, I had a ridiculous letter from the water board claiming my water usage had quadrupled during lockdown and so my bills would be significantly increasing. Now those of you who have read my other posts know that I am frugal and being on a water meter means that I am very careful. This is the woman who uses water that’s left over after cooking to make gravy or wash up, the woman who has every water saving device possible, who when being particularly frugal will wash in an inch of water (or less!!). So, the old me would have crumbled but also felt powerless and would either have just paid the bill or would have possibly got in touch with them and believed them when they reiterated that my usage has gone up despite me informing them that it can’t have done. However, the new me got straight on the phone and put up a fight and despite it not really getting me anywhere they did agree to send someone out to investigate and it turns out the waterboard hadn’t read the meter properly!!! I could rant about this, but I won’t.
I have found myself standing up for myself and being assertive – both of these things are pretty new to me but is it bad of me to admit that I quite like it??
I have also started taking charge of my life and the direction that I want to take rather than almost bobbing along being too afraid to make decisions. It took me more than a year to start writing my blog because I was scared…looking back I’m not quite sure why. I suppose fear of being judged but at the end of the day it is up to individuals if they want to read my blog. It’s not like my blog is being read by thousands of people or that I am a celebrity!!!
I spent years being indecisive which I know came from not being allowed to make decisions, but it is hard to break that habit. You almost become reliant on others to tell you what to do as you don’t believe in your own thoughts or don’t have your own thoughts… again, because it wasn’t allowed.
It is quite empowering when you feel able to make decisions, be it what you want to eat to bigger life decisions. I’m quite surprised and proud of myself that I have started to make significant decisions without feeling that I first need to ask for permission from those that are close to me or that I need their approval. Of course, I will always want the likes of my Mum and close friends to be supportive of big life decisions but I know that it is my life to live and so I need to do what is right for me.
I have recently made a fairly big decision and I didn’t talk to anyone about it before I started the ball rolling, although I have since spoken to my Mum and a couple of close friends about it. There will definitely be blog posts about this when the time is right but until it’s set in stone, I will keep quiet.
However, the day I made that decision completely on my own and owned it, I had such a warm, almost butterfly in my tummy feeling and I was excited. Whether that is because of what it is or because I felt empowered, I don’t know, but I think this is the first time in more than a decade that I have felt like me and realising that I quite like me!