So not long ago I had a mini wobble which I wasn’t expecting. I’d been plodding along feeling stronger than ever and enjoying all my new ventures. Then out of the blue (or so it felt) I started not sleeping well and feeling frustrated that I didn’t know what was causing me to be such a toss pot!
Nothing bad had happened and nothing had really changed, yet my body was trying to tell me something wasn’t quite right. Then a little bit of anxiety started to creep back which is certainly NOT what I wanted so I knew something had to be done.
It’s funny isn’t it how it is all too easy to not practice self-care as much when we are feeling fine even though we know full well that it is something that we should keep up all the time. Self-care is something I have struggled with for years, but I felt that I had got better at this, yet I hadn’t been practising breathing techniques, mindfulness, or relaxation techniques for quite some time. Right down to making the time to have a bath or not be constantly working my way through the never ending ‘To do’ list is a rarity.
When these feelings came over me, I was determined not to let the anxiety take over again, so I decided to do a ‘brain dump’ and write down everything that was on my mind and highlight things that I could control and those that I could not. I managed this and even wrote down how to deal with all of these things.
I think I have a habit of building things up in my head and still being afraid to speak up or deal with what’s on my mind which is something that I am working on. Then I fall out with myself for getting myself in a pickle when 9 times out of 10 there’s no need! I think a lot of it still comes from fear…fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown.
Writing everything down (even though most of it was positive) made me aware of how much I actually had on my mind which made me realise and appreciate the reason I wasn’t feeling as sparkly as usual. I had had a lot of changes in the past few weeks, a big one being my eldest daughter starting school and getting used to the school runs as well as starting my counselling placement where I already see the maximum number of clients allowed whilst training.
When I told my Mum how I was feeling, I remember saying to her, ‘Don’t say anything!’, I knew that she would comment on how many plates I am spinning at the minute. And yes, she is right. I am spinning quite a few plates at the moment, however, it’s not necessarily the number of plates that is the problem. I feel that I need to be able to get rid of the less pleasant plates to be able to handle the rest of the plates without collapsing in a heap!!
I think what tipped me over the edge to feel this way was when I was informed that my energy provider had gone bust and everything, I read seemed to suggest that my bills would suddenly go through the roof and that there’s nothing I can do about it. With money already being tight and Universal Credit being reduced from this month this is the last thing I needed. What threw me more was not having any control over who my new provider would be or how much I would be told my new bills would be. I hardly use the heating as it is but now, I feel as though I can’t turn it on at all!
On top of that, I felt frustrated that the financial pressure is increasing when I still have another 10 months of my counselling course to go. I had a fleeting moment of wondering if I was being selfish by finishing my course when I could stop and try and get a full-time job, yet I know I am doing the course not only for myself but also to have a career that will fit around my girls and will hopefully allow me to earn a good living.
On top of that, I also have another plate spinning that has been in the back of my mind for the past couple of months, which will be very good when the time comes but right now is adding to the stress.
Of course, I am aware that being stressed is not conducive to getting pregnant which adds to the pressure! I’m not sure what plates if any I can stop spinning right now so I suppose all I can do is try and make time for more self-care and take the time to allow myself to let my hair down and enjoy myself.
I’m hoping to have go and stay with a friend for a few days soon which I am really looking forward to and feel it will do me the world of good! Hopefully this will recharge my batteries which will help me deal with all the plate spinning!