I never wanted to be a single mum and never imagined I would be. I know when I look back on the past 3 years, I thought that at best I would function and just about manage, yet here I am not even able to recognise the shell of a person I was.
I know that I am more than capable of being a single mum, but it is hard. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls more than anything and I am lucky that they are both such lovely girls, but it doesn’t change the fact that everything is down to me. I constantly feel as if I am spread thinly, not being able to give either one of my girls my undivided attention when they want to do different things or when I have things to do such as cooking or other day to day jobs.
I take my hat off to all the single mums out there! ….I can’t imagine how I will juggle life once I qualify and start working but I know I will manage it even if it takes a bit of adjusting to.
Living on my own and looking after my daughters has shown me that I am more than capable of anything, especially as during that time I have had some rather difficult and stressful periods but more recently I have found myself wishing that I had someone to share my life with.
Part of me would like to meet someone to have fun with and make the most of my child free weekends with and part of me would like to have someone to share everyday life with. It’s at times such as when I was preparing everything for Florrie’s birthday that I wished someone was there to blow up the balloons with me, or at least laugh at me as I turned beetroot red trying to!
Some people have said that you never know what is around the corner and I do believe in fate however others have suggested it may be unlikely to find another woman who is single and willing to take on 2 young children (not that I would ever expect someone to take on a parenting role as I know it is a lot to ask of someone) and be open minded enough to get their head around the fact that I am going to be a surrogate. Having said that I believe it would be harder for someone to take on a single mum with a newborn baby as well as 2 young children.
The less optimistic side of me thinks I may be unrealistic to meet someone especially living in Yorkshire as it is hardly the gay capital of the country! That and the fact that people don’t generally know that I am gay. I asked Ali & Andrew if they would have known that I am gay, and they both said no. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than happy being feminine and have no desire to suddenly try and make myself look gay but equally even IF someone liked me who didn’t know about my sexuality, they would be unlikely to consider the possibility that I am gay.
It’s not that I need someone in my life but more a feeling that it would be nice to have someone special. I have no desire to try online dating as I feel that most profiles aren’t genuine, and a lot of people go on it looking for a fling, (I know that’s not the case for everyone) but I don’t have the time or energy to sift through profiles in the hope of finding someone who is genuine and interested in me.
I hope that as more doors open in my life and as I start increasing my social circle that one day, I may meet someone. Part of me wishes I was one of those people who is genuinely happy being single…I am happy, and I am certainly making the most of my freedom but deep down I know that I have a lot of love to give, and I miss having someone to snuggle up with and have fun with.
I remember before I started my surrogacy journey contemplating if the timing was right as I knew I wanted to meet someone, but equally not everything happens when you want it to and so decided not to put off the surrogacy. I also thought that the right person wouldn’t be put off if they met me whilst I was pregnant and if it did put them off, that they wouldn’t be the right person for me.
So, I haven’t given up on finding that someone special yet but for now I am trying to focus on me a little bit more as well as surrogacy and my future business but if someone were to come along that would definitely be the icing on the cake.