Being a single mum…

I never wanted to be a single mum and never imagined I would be. I know when I look back on the past 3 years, I thought that at best I would function and just about manage, yet here I am not even able to recognise the shell of a person I was.

I know that I am more than capable of being a single mum, but it is hard. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girls more than anything and I am lucky that they are both such lovely girls, but it doesn’t change the fact that everything is down to me. I constantly feel as if I am spread thinly, not being able to give either one of my girls my undivided attention when they want to do different things or when I have things to do such as cooking or other day to day jobs.

I take my hat off to all the single mums out there! ….I can’t imagine how I will juggle life once I qualify and start working but I know I will manage it even if it takes a bit of adjusting to.

Living on my own and looking after my daughters has shown me that I am more than capable of anything, especially as during that time I have had some rather difficult and stressful periods but more recently I have found myself wishing that I had someone to share my life with.

Part of me would like to meet someone to have fun with and make the most of my child free weekends with and part of me would like to have someone to share everyday life with. It’s at times such as when I was preparing everything for Florrie’s birthday that I wished someone was there to blow up the balloons with me, or at least laugh at me as I turned beetroot red trying to!

Some people have said that you never know what is around the corner and I do believe in fate however others have suggested it may be unlikely to find another woman who is single and willing to take on 2 young children (not that I would ever expect someone to take on a parenting role as I know it is a lot to ask of someone) and be open minded enough to get their head around the fact that I am going to be a surrogate. Having said that I believe it would be harder for someone to take on a single mum with a newborn baby as well as 2 young children.

The less optimistic side of me thinks I may be unrealistic to meet someone especially living in Yorkshire as it is hardly the gay capital of the country! That and the fact that people don’t generally know that I am gay. I asked Ali & Andrew if they would have known that I am gay, and they both said no. Don’t get me wrong, I am more than happy being feminine and have no desire to suddenly try and make myself look gay but equally even IF someone liked me who didn’t know about my sexuality, they would be unlikely to consider the possibility that I am gay.

It’s not that I need someone in my life but more a feeling that it would be nice to have someone special. I have no desire to try online dating as I feel that most profiles aren’t genuine, and a lot of people go on it looking for a fling, (I know that’s not the case for everyone) but I don’t have the time or energy to sift through profiles in the hope of finding someone who is genuine and interested in me.

I hope that as more doors open in my life and as I start increasing my social circle that one day, I may meet someone. Part of me wishes I was one of those people who is genuinely happy being single…I am happy, and I am certainly making the most of my freedom but deep down I know that I have a lot of love to give, and I miss having someone to snuggle up with and have fun with.

I remember before I started my surrogacy journey contemplating if the timing was right as I knew I wanted to meet someone, but equally not everything happens when you want it to and so decided not to put off the surrogacy. I also thought that the right person wouldn’t be put off if they met me whilst I was pregnant and if it did put them off, that they wouldn’t be the right person for me.

So, I haven’t given up on finding that someone special yet but for now I am trying to focus on me a little bit more as well as surrogacy and my future business but if someone were to come along that would definitely be the icing on the cake.

Surrogacy…part 5

This was never going to be post that I imagined I would ever be writing nor one that I particularly want to write but I went into this journey wanting to share my experiences with people from the very beginning.

I am still processing what has happened since my last post and in all honesty, it has shaken me and made me question a lot of things.

What started as an incredibly positive and exciting journey very quickly and unexpectedly took a very different direction.

The intended parents showed a different side to themselves which left me and everyone who knew about this journey in complete shock. I was left with no alternative but to end the journey with immediate effect which was not an easy decision for me. During the time leading up to this decision I was left in tears, shaken and unsure of what to do but fortunately I had the support I needed to get me through.

I could go into details about what went on, but I am not the kind of person to sit here and slate people (even if some may think I have every right to) and even when I ended things with the IP’s I still had a very heavy heart and ended it in the nicest way possible. This led me to be even more shaken and shocked when despite this, the IPs took their disgruntlement to Facebook after blocking me! Who does that? Especially as I know I did nothing wrong other than stand my ground when they wanted me to do things that aren’t ethical, would lead to being kicked out of SurrogacyUK and could seriously jeopardise the Parental Order.

Unfortunately, my ex-IP’s do not give surrogacy a good name but to be perfectly honest I highly doubt that they will find a future surrogate based on their true feelings and opinions about surrogates.

I am hurt by what has happened and for a moment I did want to spit the dummy out and say that I was no longer going to consider being a surrogate but after talking things through I have decided to carry on this journey.

I know in my heart of hearts how I felt when I knew how much I wanted a child of my own and the pain I felt at the thought of it not being possible and I imagine that is how most IP’s feel. I also know that most IP’s value the role that surrogates play in their journey and certainly do not think of them as a machine.

So, whilst I still feel bruised, scared, and worried about being able to let my guard down with future IP’s I know that the right IP’s will be out there.

Moving forward I will be staying with SurrogacyUK and will only select IP’s who are also members. I know that I will have Paige by my side to help sift through possible IP’s and throughout any future get to know periods before starting to try and conceive a baby.

I have always believed in fate, and I am grateful that they showed their true colours when they did as I dread to think what would have happened if I had already been pregnant when this happened. It would have broken my heart to have been in a position where I would have had to seriously consider terminating a healthy foetus because of the actions of the IP’s.

I am also grateful to have met Paige who I wouldn’t have met if it hadn’t been for my ex-IP’s, she has certainly been the silver lining of this whole experience!

I’m hoping the excitement I felt at the prospect of being a surrogate returns, but in the meantime I know I can focus on me, the house move and my course.

The lyrics say it all!

I’ll never forget the judge telling me that I would never be able to afford to buy a house and therefore it didn’t matter how much I got out of my divorce (don’t get me started on that one, especially as I was the one with the 2 children and the victim of domestic abuse who had no choice but to flee the family home!).

At the time her words hurt deeply but I believe in fate and despite thinking she was probably right, as I am a single mum, so even when I work full-time, it would be very hard to get a mortgage on my own without a generous deposit.

However, in my village they have built some new houses and a few of them went up as shared ownership properties.

There aren’t many shared ownership properties around, and most are either 2 bedroom or they are more than £100,000. So, you can imagine my surprise when a couple of 3-bedroom shared ownership properties came on the market at a price that I could just about to afford thanks to my divorce settlement. I didn’t hold my breath though because it normally takes weeks to register and get approved for shared ownership properties and there is often a waiting list as there aren’t many around.

This would normally be enough to stop me even applying as I would think, what’s the point? But for whatever reason I decided to apply despite thinking that nothing would come of it but to my surprise my application was accepted the same day and I got offered a viewing!

I remember the day that I went to look around the house and how I felt.

I think because I hadn’t anticipated that I would get to this stage and because the other local developments that included shared ownership properties looked like houses that had been built without much care, I didn’t have high expectations.

So, when I went in and saw the lovely kitchen, the well thought out layout, the generous sized master bedroom, the quality fittings, and nice garden, I just stood there and cried tears of happiness. All that went running through my mind was that I couldn’t believe after everything I had been through and despite being told that I would never be able to afford a house of my own that here I was stood in a lovely house that could be mine. I couldn’t believe it.

After the viewing I went away and told the agent that I would like the property and shortly afterwards I signed a contract and put my deposit down.

At that moment in time, I was elated and shocked as I never imagined in my wildest dreams that this would be possible, certainly not for years to come.

Then when I heard Lily Allen’s song, F**k You, I thought it about summed up how I felt about that judge as well as my ex and her family who also believed that I would be left without a house and that eventually I would have to either go back with my tail between my legs or that I would have to send my girls to live with them because I couldn’t afford a house for me and my girls.

I have waited to share this news until I knew 100% that it was all going through and this week after a very long wait I have now signed all the paperwork and apart from waiting to confirm a completion date there is nothing left to do but wait and start packing!

By the end of this year, I will have moved into my very own house, I can’t begin to tell you how amazing that feels and I’m still not sure it has sunk in!

I really like where I live now, and I have lots of lovely memories and I am sure I will miss it, but it is rented, and I know that rental prices have gone through the roof here lately which would leave me unable to afford this house. On top of that housing benefit only covers 55% of the rent and its always at the back of my mind that I could be kicked out at any minute which makes me feel somewhat unsettled.

Knowing that this is my own house and that I can decorate it how I want and that I can’t be kicked out is a great feeling.

So, just another spinning plate to add to the mix! I know that it will be hectic and possibly stressful as it will be mostly down to me to do all the packing and unpacking and unfortunately I don’t have the luxury of being able to afford a removals company to help, so I will be sourcing someone who has a van I can hire and ideally someone to help me move some of the heavy items but once it is all done I know that I will definitely need to celebrate!

It’s funny how things turn out and this feels like an exciting new chapter in my life!